Being 40 and New Born Baby

Assalamualaikum wbt

semoga semua sentiasa dilindungi Allah dan dibawah rahmat Allah sentiasa

"apa perasaan yea bila ada baby at age 40?" soalan ini akan ditanya setiap kali berjumpa dengan rakan, sahabat, saudara mara dan juga orang yg baru dikenali...my respon selalu ntah hapa-hapa sebenarnya tak tahu nak jawab apa...so kena fikir baik-baik agar jawapan yang kita berikan will benefit to others kan dan ingin juga dikongsikan bersama agar perasaan tu tak berlalu begitu sahaja sedangkan banyak hikmah yang boleh diperolehi ....

okay let me flashback

 May 2014 it was shock, surprised and i am speechless when i knew that i was pregnant again after my last miscarriage at around early 2012. Since then i was in family planning,  i use a selfcalculation bila time subur atau tidak and  sometimes langgar juga hehehhe until  la at early 2014 we decided to go to gynea to start family planning seriously just because we admit that we are getting older and we are not going to go through all the hustle life again. 

Actually i really don't want a baby after my second miscarriage for me i am very happy with my 3 beautiful children and was very happy  with my life at that moment. But i have a husband that still wanna a try and give one more chance until we both decided not to proceed anymore.

Siapa lah  kita yang menentukan masa depan dan apa yang akan berlaku dan apa yang terbaik untuk our life. Hanya Allah yang berkuasa dan mengetahui what is the best for us. Saya masih tidak boleh terima that i was pregnant until i 7 months pregnant. 

It was really really really  hard for me to accept this beautiful news... i am not happy at all. Terukkan??? yes i was unhappy but i keep to myself berusaha untuk redha its time to practise what i have learned in all the islamic seminar, usrah that  i have attended and the books that i have read.

i can't complain....there was so many women try to conceive, how hard they try and involved with  time, money, psychical and emotional pain. i reserved myself and i cry a lot.

My morning sickness was so bad and its happen through out my 9 months pregnancy... its really  hard mentally and physically...i cant drive...most of the time i am in pain all over my body....Alhamdulillah i have full support from my husband, my children and my mother.

Compared with my other 3 children this time was very hard and a lot of test and obsctacle...Allahuakbar  memang banyak ujian...dari masalah kesihatan diri, dunia pekerjaan, melawan kelemahan diri yang hampir putus asa.(akan dikongsi kemudian)

Terus terang being 40 and having a baby its not easy for me its a struggle because a lot of things that i have plan automatically affected. Aged 31 was my last pregnancy

 it was 9 years ago  and i have  happy routine life..

Subhanallah baby definitely are awesome but  i just feel so hard to start all over again huhuhuhuhu at aged 40 and you have a new born baby  it needs a lot of energy.....my warning please make a baby when you are still young....

Even until now my baby already 3 months and with his  overloaded cuteness i am still struggle to manage my time but one thing that i am very happy on  how i handle it is so different as compared to other children that i have. 

Now my life is empty without see his smile..when i woke up in the morning he will smile at me first when i called his name...." Assalamualaikum Umar..." and he will give me a pure and most beautiful smile and a smell from heaven...that will make my day....Alhamdulillah that Allah choose me and give me another chance to raise him better according AlQuran and Sunnah.

Please pray for me...I need Allah to move on, only Him will understand.